Don’t expect nice things

Oh, so you’re expecting a little Junior here shortly? How sweet.  Being pregnant really stinks.  Holding that little babe in your arms and not on your bladder will be a welcomed reprieve from the last nine months.  And, you must be sooooo excited to get back your pre-baby body, really rock that swim suit this summer, and wear pants without an elastic waste?

Don’t hold your breath.

Don’t expect nice things.

I held my breath.  Twice.  If the third time is a charm, maybe I need to have another kid just to see if I really learn my lesson the next time around.

Look, I’m not trying to be harsh.  I just want to shoot you straight.  Otherwise, you’ll just become depressed when your beach body isn’t back in no time and your skinny jeans take a little longer than expected to get back into.

No one ever shoots a pregnant woman straight.  Why? I’m not sure.  I guess we just want to be nice and not scare her.  But, I don’t see it as scary, but more as preparation. I wish someone had the gumption to shoot me straight.  At least I would have held onto those elastic wasted pants a little longer instead of shooing them out of my closet so quickly.

So….just don’t expect nice things.  Because those nice clothes you used to wear..well, they’ll just be full of crap all the time.  Whether it’s the smell of soured milk (yes, that’s what it smells like when you have a leak), marker, snot, apple sauce, poop or your own coffee, there will always inevitably be something spilled down your shirt.  Don’t buy nice shirts.  If you do, only wear them to work or when the babysitter is taking over.  Let me repeat: Do not wear nice clothes around your children.

You may be thinking, “But my friend Tina just had a baby and looks awesome.”  Well, screw Tina. Tina is a miracle.  Tina was also anorexic before having Junior.  We’re not all miracles.  You can pray for a miracle, but just don’t hold your breath. The weight will come off, but you’ll have to eat less, and your stomach and hoohah will just never be the same.  You may only wear one pieces from now on. Don’t expect nice things.

Don’t buy nice furniture. 

Let me tell you a story about a beautiful little table that I bought recently.  It wasn’t bought on a fancy budget, but it looked fancy.  It had a nice little mirrored table top.  I was really enjoying this table.  You didn’t even need a coaster! It was like a dream come true in mommy world.  The kids couldn’t leave rings if they wanted to.  Ha ha, got you kids!

Wrong.  BAM.  2-Year old pushes it over.  Shattered all over the living room were tiny glimpses of what was once a beautiful drink-ring-free table.  The 2 yr old cries, I yell ever word in the book, the 4 year old covers his ears because I’m yelling and the table is still broken.  But, I should have known. I didn’t learn my lesson the time yogurt was spilled on the chair.

Luckily, for me, my brother is a carpenter and made me a lov-erly wooden top to fit.  Some day, I’ll get around to painting it and the children will get around to leaving
sweat rings on it.

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