3 Reasons Toddlers Are Bad For The Economy

Two-year-olds really are terrible civilians.  They’re bad for the business. They’re loud, rude, wasteful and lack an overall awareness for hygiene.  The rest of us spend all of our time cleaning up after the two-year-olds, only to find our efforts are futile because the next mess has already been made.

Due to these toddlers’ inability to function as a normal persons in society, here are three reasons why they actually inhibit economic growth.

1. Waste. 

We might as well start off with the doozy.  Waste comes in many forms: actual shit, throwing their food on the floor, throwing my food on the floor, spilling the dogs food on the floor, spilling entire bottles of bubbles on the floor, breaking the new table, pummeling through my makeup drawer and any other wasteful spillage you can think of which a two-year-old may do out of shear pleasure.  Maybe they do it out of spite, but by judging on the overly optimistic grin on her face, when my two year old sheds any form of waste, it seems to be from a place of happiness.  This overall wasteful bliss causes parents to regretfully throw all of their hard-earned money into the trash can, and therefore leaves less money to spend on other fruitful things which could boost the economy.

2. Intolerance for sitting.

Due to their inability to sit still for more than 60 second increments, dramatic tantrums and overall disregard for other people, two-year-olds cause the adults in the household to never leave the house.  What time was once spent on dinners out and trips to the other 49 states is now spent wasted away at home.  Less money is put by the parents into supporting other businesses, and therefore the economy suffers once again.  Strike two for the two-year-old.

3. Germs.

A better term for “Toddler” would be “Pig Pen”.  Two-year-olds are attracted to filth.  Much like the aptitude for spillage, they also have an insanely natural ability to collect dirt and illness.  From sticking each other’s pacifiers in one an other’s mouth to coughing directly into mom’s eye to barfing all over dad’s office (true story), two-year-olds  are bound to make their adult caretakers sick a ridiculously increased amount of days out of the 365 day year.  More time sick = less time working on productive things and therefore (you guessed it), a bruised economy.

Three strikes and you’re out, kids.

Okay, so there has to be a bright side to all of this, right? It’s not all doom and gloom.

You are correct.  The makers of detergents and antibacterial products are making out like a tall dog in a meat market.  Plus, those damn two-year-olds are super cute.  Those little cheeks and silly attempts at saying words sure do something for us. We must keep them around for something?  True.  They are adorable and they do warm our hearts.  But, I think the brightest thing about all of this is that eventually the two-year-old will grow up and out of their terrible twos to become a four, five, and six year old (and so on) — ages which present new levels of poor economic conditions, to be discussed in a later post.

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